ProhibitedWish Dance Courtship

🤖🌈

Happy Halloween from The Birthday Massacre (art by Owen)

TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing

I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel

I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either

Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there

I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this

At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread

I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back

Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again

But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected

What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option

Probably says a lot about me

It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them

So many beautiful thoughts faded away

I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares

Back on topic

Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again

This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well

Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi

It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions

Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still

It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it

Sorry that’s a big paragraph

Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them

Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then

Anyway

I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about

But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away

I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah

Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye

Mini (not rlly—) doodle dump! :)) yey

‼️This doodles have some time alrdy (3 months I think??)‼️ and might have some English errors, sorry by now if so! 🙏

First, this ones, That I did principally to "study"(? kinda???) a little Scrabby, I mean— Scarab :)) 1/2

there u go

Office Au!! 1/2

Well—

Now that I look at this doodles, like, now- that I draw better ig, it are not rlly well hahA— But I still like them actually! and it can give u a little context of this Au, that I plan to draw more! :)) Bc I rlly like this Au 💛 is the first one I made of PWish <33 like- Im not the first one in doing it but— u get it

note: This is actually more a "Normal Life Au" of more characters of Ooo/At/F&C(idk) than just Cosmic Entities!! :)👍 Hope u like the future content I'll make of this Au! That I dont rlly plan to like— Work it soooo much, Is just a fun Au I like :]

Anyways there u go—

Uh— Cosmic Owl?? idk, uh- Dudes in the Time Room 👍 1/1!

I just wanted to draw Cosmic Owl (aka Cosmo here) w Prismo and this doodles (I mean the ones below) came out!💛 I feel like when Prismo got depressed Cosmo and him got distant, well- Prismo more than Cosmo :(( So I thought that them like- After the events of F&C, they reconcile :))💛 Idk- bc Prismo got more happy again! smthing like that, so they become the besties that they were ones <33

I rlly like drawing they Friendship! you could see it in the Office Au doodles too haha ✨🦉💗 You'll see more of them!!

And the doodle above those uh— Idk, I just feel like, Cosmo and Scarab doesn't like eachother NATURALLY lmao! feel like their personalities wouldn't fit at all w eachother haha less w all the things that Scarab did or tried to do to Prismo 😅 Cosmo defending his Bff hshA-

U can see that idea in the Office Au too hahs :))

So, they dont like eachother and u cant change my mind

WELL I WROTE TOO MUCH— haha sorry I like yapping about my drawings HAHSHSA 😭

see ya! hope u like this kinda old doodles :))💛

seconds images of Offcie Au and Scarab's (and Prismo) doodles, idk why but Tmblr didn't let me upload them beside the first ones?????

OH YEAH! Have my Prismo Human design as a little extra for u all!! is as old as the other doodles (kinda more actually) Probably gonna make a remake, anyways look this version for now!

Didn't draw him w the jacket/vest(????? on, To have the actual clothes clear to see :))

But he normally have the jacket on!!

Now yes see ya!! Hahahs

byebyebyeeee

the men and boys are innocent too.

we cry "the innocent women and children" to appeal to the masses, to try and force their sympathy, but the men and boys are innocent too.

I have seen sons crying out for their mothers, their fathers, their siblings. I have seen them break down at the loss of their families. I have seen them cling to their dead and grieve.

I have seen fathers cradle their dead children, seen them kiss their faces and hold their little hands. I have seen them faint with grief when asked to identify the dead. I have seen them carry their sons and daughters. I have seen them fasting to provide what little they can for their families.

I have seen men and boys digging through the rubble with just their bare hands, I have seen them comforting strangers, playing with children, rocking them, hushing them, even if the face of such imminent danger. I have seen them cry, seen them grieve, seen them break down into each other's arms, seen them be selfless, beyond selfless, becoming something I don't have a word for.

I have seen the men who are doctors refuse to leave their patients, even when they have no medicine or supplies to give them, even when they're threatened with bombings. I have seen fathers who have lost all their children pick orphans up into their arms and proclaim them their child so they are not alone. I have seen men and boys digging pets out of the rubble.

the men are innocent too. the men and boys are being hurt and killed too. the men and boys are grieving too. the men and boys are scared too. the men and boys are fighting to save their people too. the men and boys deserve to be fought for too.

Here's one of the last zodiac customs I've done, Gemini 1.0!

I did two customs inspired by the sign, since I thought people would absolutely hate this one. But to my surprise peeps over in Instagram absolutely loved it.

The second custom is the exact same design, just missing the third eye :]

I wanted to keep the "twins" theme going on without having to do two customs, so I melded two LPS together and sanded the living hell out of the seam. I think I did pretty good job with this one eh? I hope all Geminis like the custom fjskdk

League dynamics are interesting when you consider that despite being the only female member of the group, Toga isn't treated as The Girl by either the League characters or the author. Often in media, when there's one girl/woman in a group, she's either The Hypercompetent Killjoy or The Sexy Decoration.

The Hypercompetent Killjoy is serious and the brains of the group. She doesn't take part in her friends' antics and seems to exist to ruin everybody's fun. She also tends to dislike and put down other women.

The Sexy Decoration exists to be objectified by the male characters. Her friends or the author will constantly make comments about her appearance and how attractive she is. She often serves as a lazy way to insert tension between two male characters in a friend group by making both of them have a crush on her. This character isn't as disparaging towards other women, but that's because she's never in scenes with them unless it's to show a comedic contrast between how hot she is vs. how "ugly" the other woman is.

Sometimes, female characters will be written as both Hypercompetent Killjoy and Sexy Decoration. Hybrids will hate other women more than either individual type combined.

This doesn't happen with Toga. Toga is allowed to be goofy and excitable and chaotic and weird. Her contributions to the League's plans are valued the way everyone's are, but she's not the brains of the operation and is allowed to have fun. She's allowed to show emotions, whether she's sad or furious or joyful. She also isn't the only member who shows emotions and it's not really seen as something bad or weak.

The other League members NEVER make comments on her appearance, other than the one time Twice offhandedly mentioned her "cute face" when she was half-dead during MVA. Though, "cute" isn't presented like Twice is attracted to her, but more like a puppy is cute. Part of it is her age vs the other League members, but it's not like Teenage Temptress isn't a variation on Sexy Decoration. All that is to say, not a single other League member sees her in a sexy way and she certainly isn't used as an object of jealousy.

Toga is given the same missions as everybody else, except the one solo mission during the Licensing Exams because she had the only useful Quirk for it. She's not given "girl missions" like seduction or something stupid like that.

She's as brutally violent as the rest of the group, but she's also very kind to those she cares about. However, ALL the League members have shown kindness to one another so it's not like it's an exclusive "soft caring girl trait." They all genuinely care and worry about Toga (and each other) the way she cares and worries about them.

She's an unusual character in that it would be SO EASY to make the yandere-like girl who's obsessed with love into nothing more than The Girl of the group. In general though, she and the other League members are treated totally equally and she's integrated into their dynamic, not separated into a gender box.

TW: bugs, and tactical hallucinations

I feel like there are bugs crawling on my eyes right now. It stopped for a second don’t know when it will start again. Luckily it’s not an actual bug I thought it might be, but I checked

Doodled in class as kids were talking about strategic ways to rob a bank with all the students in class. Honestly I tried drawing him bigger, but I suck at it, and couldn’t get his limbs to look right