We Sharing Anaesthetic Stories?? I Had To Have Dental Surgery When I Was In Middle School.

hiya everyone

this website looks fun so I’m going to see how this goes

small wins

During my first month with my therapist, I was given this worksheet to read and work on. She noticed that while I was talking with her, that my thoughts followed a lot of these. I wasn’t aware that my anxiety had brought me down paths of low self-worth and stinky thinking.  After a couple of weeks of talking with her, she gave me this worksheet to work on. 

While, at first, I thought these weren’t going to work out, I was very surprised to see just how easy they were to use . My homework at that time was to identify which sort of thinking I used on the regular and which ones would best challenge them for me. So, what do you think? Do any of the maladaptive thinking patterns sound like you? which ways would you like to untwist your thinking? 

In highschool I wrote a story about a middle-generation of stellar travelers. Their parents were born on earth and left as children, and the middle generation will not live long enough to see their destination. They live their entire lives on the ship and I wrote about them trying to find their place in everything. They will never know blue skies and warm beaches and open fields with warm breezes. They’ll never know birdsong or crickets or frogs. They’ll never hear the rain on the roof of a dreary day. I never could find the right way to end the story. I wanted it to be a happy ending, but I didn’t know how to do it.

I realize now that it was a book about me dealing with depression before I even knew it. Looking back at how blatant the projecting was, it’s obvious now. It wasn’t then.

In the story, the middle-generation people are lost. They’re apathetic. They’re just a placeholder. The only job they have is to keep the ship running, have kids, and die. As the middle generation of people began becoming adults, suicide rates were skyrocketing. Crime and drug rates were jumping. This generation was completely apathetic because they felt that they had no use.

In the story, a small group of people in the middle-generation create the Weather Project. They turn the ship into a terrarium. They make magnificent gardens and take the DNA of animals they took with them and recreate them and they make this cold, metal spaceship that they have to live their entire lives on into a home. They take what little they have and they break it and rearrange it into something beautiful. They take this radical idea and turn the ship into a wonderful jungle of trees and birds and sunshine.

And I realize now how much it reflects my state of mind as I transitioned from a child into an adult while dealing with depression. You always hear “it gets better” and “when you’re older things will be easier” and I was so sick of waiting for it to get better. I was in the middle-generation stage. And I was sick of it. I was so sick of waiting.

When I was in highschool I didn’t know how to end the story. I didn’t know how to have a happy ending. I didn’t have the life experience then to finish the story in a meaningful way. I didn’t know how to make it better for these middle-generation characters.

But now that I’m older, I’m learning. That if you sit and wait for things to get better, it never will. You have to take your life and break it apart and rearrange it into something beautiful. You have to make the cold metal ship into the garden that you deserve. You have to make your own meaning. You have to plant your own garden.

You have to teach yourself that being happy is not a radical idea.

The best pianist

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Manage expectations accordingly (x)

for fellow austins and the rest of texas

fuck ERCOT

Yo

Depression is actually pretty darn pathetic. Depression has very little power against you IF it can’t find a worthy opponent to oppose you. You give it a challenge so the only way it can really influence you and deal some damage is if depression gets you to fight yourself. Don’t be your enemy, be your friend. Be on your team. It’s not you against your broken body, it’s you and your body against a manipulative monster disease. Learn how to love yourself and you will want to fight depression even harder when you realize that you are actually a cool person and you actually want to live. There is power in truth and living in it. Self-hate is based on lies, and you lived in those lies by beating yourself up with them. Now try the truth of self-love and start being nicer to yourself. No, it's not easy to get out of self-hate, but make the choice to try and understand yourself and take it a step at a time and then you will be surprised that you actually like some of the parts of yourself that you didn't think you did. As a Christian, I say God bless and may you receive more than you think you will. Depression may be an enemy you will have to continually face, but its shadow is bigger than itself and your shadow doesn't even begin to reveal the greatness of you.