Aug. 18

Clark: So what do all of your sidekicks bring to the table

Bruce:?

Hal: Yeah, what is all their specialties? Something tells me you dont keep them around for the comapny.

Bruce: Well Nightwing is the worlds best acrobat. Oracle is one of the worlds best hackers. Red Hood is a marksman. Red Robin is the world's second best detective, while Orphan is one of the worlds best trained fighters. Robin is my biological son so theres not really a choice there anyway. Does that suffice Jordan?

Hal: What about the other one?

Bruce: Signal is on daytime patrol, so he was preoccupied.

Hal: No the other other one

Bruce: My gay, army trained cousin?

Clark: I think he means the purple one raiding our breakfast buffet

Bruce: Oh

Bruce: She's moral support

TWILIGHT: but it’s just 3 chaotic (probably gay) best friends...

group pic

Edward

Bella

Jacob

“comes back wrong”, what a hot trope. incredibly sexy.

The worst-off person at the end of The Old Guard isn’t Andy or Booker, it’s Copley. The man has the job of being the beard for this group of old assholes, half of whom are depressed and half of whom are in a perpetual honeymoon phase, plus one who has yet to figure out just what immortality means (PS. It means skiing off the top of Mt. Everest) When he goes to do the paperwork he’s astounded at how these people managed to stay a secret for any length of time in the 20th century and beyond. Andy has become an honest-to-god cryptid with a massive internet following (it would help if she’d just stop having one night stands and doing the ole’ love and leave em’ routine) Booker regularly goes gambling at and cleans out high-end casinos, which means he has literally every mob on the planet after his ass, Joe kills 100+ people every month for breathing in a way he didn’t certify near Nicky, and when Nile gets over the shock of things it dawns on her that she can do literally everything and anything and not die, which. is another type of hell altogether.  Nicky is the only fairly normal one out of them all, until Copley finds out he secretly owns seventeen different fortune 500 companies and runs a black market or something, and Copley has to take a month off to fuck off back to Booker and just like. drink for ten days straight. This is a disjointed mess, and not even remotely meant to be taken seriously, but Copley probably thought he got off good by being made into the Guard’s secretary/PR man, but my point is that that is distinctly so NOT the case.

Final Frontier

[all the Star Wars characters, sitting in a waiting room]  [a clock ticks]  Poe: [leaning forward in his seat, holding his head in his hands] …any idea how much longer they’re gonna make us wait? Leia: [looking at her phone] Not too much longer.  Rey: …anybody get their hands on any spoilers?  [all murmur that they haven’t]  Hux: [listlessly leafing through Fascism Fashion Weekly] I didn’t want to ruin the ending for myself.  Anakin: I tried to read spoilers but Obi-Wan wouldn’t let me.  Obi-Wan: Patience, Anakin. We’ll know everything soon enough.  Ahsoka: [reassuringly] I’m sure everything will be fine, Master.  [silence for a couple of minutes]  Luke: …so anyone got any guesses? Leia: [waving her hand, distracted by a game on her phone] Light side wins, Rebellion victorious, blahblahblah. Same old song and dance. Also my son gets some damn sense knocked into him, probably.  Kylo: [staring at her from his seat, scowling]  Han: They better not call me in there. All I’m saying. I’ve had enough of you people.   Sidious: [so very tired] I said the same thing myself. And now look at me. And all because you fools couldn’t find yourselves a compelling villain to replace me! It’s pathetic. I’m an old man; I should be enjoying my retirement and making the occasional earlier-era appearance in the EU, not resurrecting myself just to teach some fallen Skywalker a lesson about compassion or whatever treacly nonsense again…[takes a sip from a Starbucks cup and sighs] Luke: Hey don’t blame us, we didn’t write any of it! I saw you go down into that reactor, OK? I definitely thought you were dead!  Anakin: Oh, this sucks! [points at Sidious] You were my villain! You ruined my life! You compelled me to aid you in murdering my friends and family, and tormented me for years! And I killed you! [starts crying] It was my redemption arc, Obi-Wan! [wails and buries his face in Obi-Wan’s shirt]  Obi-Wan: I know, I know, there there. It’s still a very good redemption arc, Anakin.  Anakin: [sniffling, face still buried in Obi-Wan’s shirt] Is it better than anybody else’s? In any stories ever? Obi-Wan: I… [rolls his eyes and pats Anakin’s back] Sure, yes, it’s better than anybody else’s. Anakin: [continues crying]    Poe: [annoyed, standing up and gesturing at Finn] Look, all I need to know is, am I gonna get to make out with this man or not?!  Finn: [looks up from his magazine, eyes widening]  Rey: I just don’t know if they’ll let it happen, honestly.  Anakin: [bitterly, sitting in Obi-Wan’s lap with his arms around his neck] Oh, they never make good on the subtext. No matter how much you want them to. Or how hot both of you are. [waves a stack of papers] Or how much people on the internet have already written about it.  Obi-Wan: [raises eyebrows and turns red] [under his breath, warning] Anakin, please. Padme: [not looking up from an iPad she and Luke are huddled over, online shopping] Oh please, Obi-Wan, everyone knows. [to Luke] Yes, those boots for sure. [taps the screen]  Poe: [scoffs] Well, that’s some bullshit! [to Finn] We’re making out in the supplementary materials then, OK? Finn: [opens his mouth to answer] I– Administrative Assistant: [walking in] They’re ready for you. We’ll call in the rest of you if and when needed. [smiles and leads the core ST cast through a door] Rey: [taking a deep breath] All right, everyone. Here goes nothing. [they walk in]  Luke: [yelling after them] Hey, everyone watch your step in there! There’s no railings anywhere in that place!

The Sugar Baby Ben AU

The premise: Obi-Wan and Anakin from the end of ROTJ get sent back to the Jedi Temple during TPM. Obi-Wan is confused, Anakin is confused, Mace Windu is very confused, and Vokara Che is also very confused. (It’s fine, it’s not like anyone relies on the Jedi for their intelligence anyways.) 

So what happens after they get where and who they are sorted out?

Well:

Anakin kills Sidious. He may be small, and blond, and just the cutest little kid, but he has several decades worth of fury directed at the man, and he’s still pretty much a Sith Lord (if a reformed one). It is very violent, and very worrying to anyone who sees it except for Obi-Wan. (In the absence of any convenient reactor shafts to toss the bitch down, Anakin resorts to a combination of lethal use of the Force and a blaster, just for good measure. They’re cleaning Sidious’s guts off his office carpet for years after the fact.)

Then, while the Jedi are trying to get a handle on the fact that (a) Sith exist, (b) time travel exists, and © the tiny adorable boy Qui-Gon Jinn brought back actually is horribly dangerous, Anakin runs off. He grabs his mother, slaughters a couple slavers indiscriminately, which Shmi feels obligated to chastise him for, even if she isn’t that horrified, and they go to Naboo.

To everyone but Obi-Wan’s surprise, Anakin lasts about two weeks on Naboo. A month or so later, the Jedi start hearing rumors about a small, dark-cloaked figure with a red lightsaber who leaves entire slave markets to burn. They don’t hear about the woman with him, who holds him back and calms his rage, who can stop her son when he needs to be stopped and hold him when he needs to be held. (Obi-Wan knows that she’s there anyways, and he sends her the number of a good therapist.)

So, what is Obi-Wan doing during all of this?

Short answer: scandalizing every jedi on coruscant

Slightly longer answer: scandalizing every jedi on coruscant by having ridiculous amounts of sex

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Yea I like truth serum Bruce Wayne but what I really want is truth serum Bruce Wayne that makes him say the first thing he thinks. No filter. Meaning he’s either just roasting the hell out of himself the whole time or being genuine

Bruce: [sips his too hot coffee] “try waiting a minute you fucking moron”

Bruce: [nearly drops phone] “almost ten years of ninja training and you can’t even tell”

Bruce: [eating his breakfast]

Tim: “hey Bruce, still having side effects?”

Bruce: [looks up] “they’re only side effects if I squint, otherwises I just seem sarcastic and cynical”

Dick: [takes a selfie with Bruce] “what do you think?”

Bruce: “we look like shit”

Dick: “yea, we do look like shit” [deletes photo]

Bruce: [steps in water wearing socks] “I hate being alive, it’s not worth it anymore if this is the trial I have to face”

Alfred: “just take off your socks”

Bruce: “I’ll take you off my will”

Damian: “I wished you leave me alone”

Bruce: “and I wish I knew how to communicate with you properly”

Damian: “yea, because I’m so difficult”

Bruce: “because I love you and I want to be the father you deserve”

Jason: “I fucking hate you!”

Bruce: “same. Wanna make a club?”

Jason: “… wait can we?”

Bruce: “see Jason’s got more self control than me, because if I killed somebody then I’d just kill everybody. Equality, am I right?”

Bruce: “god, I’d wish you’d kids stop stressing me out”

Tim: “well sorry we can’t be perfect”

Bruce: “who said you aren’t perfect? I love all of you so much I feel like I can’t breath sometimes”

Clark: [wearing a new dress shirt]

Bruce: “you could get it”

Clark: “what?”

Bruce: “I said what I said”

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

Anyways I keep thinking that group chats totally must be a Thing in the star wars universe, and how (in the Clone Wars era) there probably is definitely a:

Jedi Council group chat (and they definitely gossip about everyone, from Initiates to Masters.  They are also running at least 20 bets about Jedi in the Temple.)

Lineage group chat (ie. Yoda, Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Ahsoka all have a group chat but they don’t really use it much because Anakin and Ahsoka have trouble figuring out what is appropriate for them to talk about with Yoda)

The group chat with Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Ahsoka is pretty lit though.  Most of the time it’s funny arguments between Obi-Wan and Anakin, and Ahsoka just LOL-ing the whole time.

group chats with all the clone commanders/leaders, complaining about their Jedi and comparing notes (Cody being like “Do you guys also need to force your Jedi to eat and sleep, or is it just me?”, or Rex asking “How the hell do I say no to Skywalker, the man never listens!”, etc.)

A group from the 501st and Ahsoka have a group chat where they make fun of Anakin.  They keep a running tally of the number of times he had crashed a ship, just for giggles.

are you ever on your phone looking at gay shit and then your parent starts coming towards you, so you keep scrolling down to try and get the gay shit off of your feed and then realise there is no escape and you’re actually scrolling through a bottomless pit of gay shit?