“If You Are Not Willing To Look Stupid, Nothing Great Will Ever Happen To You.”

April 19

I hate this platform so much.  I lost what I typed YET AGAIN.

Today I feel content.  (Though right now I’m seriously annoyed.)

Things with Devin are going fine.  He left for his camping trip today- I still struggle with the knee-jerk feeling of unease and jealousy about him and Leila, but I’m realizing that the circumstances are such that it would be difficult for me to NOT feel some level of discomfort with the two of them spending time together.  Their friend circle is coupled off, and the two of them end up coupled together.  Devin is secretive about all of his friendships and doesn’t share even times when he goes bowling with Stewart.  Devin has shown in the past that he will deliberately hide things from me to avoid problems.  Devin is able to spend lots of time with her, whereas he’s not able to spend lots of time with me.  I know in my gut that I can trust him, but given our circumstances, Chester can’t.  Which is tricky.

Things with the job are going fine.  I had the interview with McKesson and just got an email about a position with Cigna in El Paso.  It’s good for my ego and my self-confidence, finally receiving interest on positions I’ve applied for.  I’ve received some good advice about adding my interterm experience onto my resumes to stress the HR work I’ve done, so I plan to do that and then use both resumes, depending on which jobs I’m applying for.  (Or, if I can somehow get all of that information onto the resumes without losing any information, I’ll do that.)

Classes are going fine.  I’m not as behind as I initially thought I was, which feels really positive.  I have two papers to work on this weekend (one of them is pretty big) and one persuasive presentation that I want to give some thought to.  I’ve done pretty well in that class so far, B+ on presentations I’ve only given a few hours to (and a B because I was docked for going over on time), so I want to see what would happen if I give something more time and effort.  I think I could maybe pull off an A or something (probably not an A in the class, but an A on the presentation).

Things at home are fine.  They’re not great, still lots to do around the house and I’m not accomplishing as much as I’d like to, but I don’t feel anxious about it.  I think, in the grand scheme of things, the things I have to do won’t actually take as long once I get started on doing them.  These projects that are looming on my to-do list will really only take maybe 30 minutes to an hour once I get started.  The dilemma is just getting started- I’m dragging my feet on getting started because I’m intimidated by the amount of work and time it will take.  And I know that in my head, but it’s tough to still motivate the rest of me to get moving.

All in all, I feel content.  Devin is a bright spot in my life, the job opportunities that are starting to pop up are a bright spot in my life, I’m feeling better.  Just more hopeful.  Which is nice.  I’ve had some really pessimistic, sinking feelings over the past few weeks, so I’m glad I’m rebounding (and now that I think about it, that could be due to Seasonal Affect Disorder as well, huh) and that I’m doing better.

Psychology Daily - Quote

“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”

—

April 17

Today I feel happy. I feel positive, I feel hopeful and really good. I had the job interview with McKesson today and I think it went really well- that helped me a lot with confidence as I’m slogging through these job applications. I’m applying for jobs with renewed energy, it’s really positive.

Things with Devin are also going well, I’m feeling positive there too. We’re having shorter calls during the day, usually when he’s driving to work or driving home. We talk for about 30-40 minutes at the time, unless he’s heading home and we sometimes talk once he’s at home as well.

Today I choose to be a Goddess.

🍀🍀🍀

Today I feel tired. I just finished a letter to Devin... I’m not sure what made me write it in the first place, but somehow the idea came into my brain and I did it. More of an attempt for him to know me, for him to understand who I am. Why I needed the things I needed, why I felt the way I felt about certain aspects of our relationship.

I cried so much today. I’m exhausted. It completely drained me, writing that letter. So many emotions were pulled out of me, and I want to send it to him. I want him to read it and never stand it, understand ME and know ME. Because some foolish part of my heart can’t accept that this is over. I keep thinking that if he just KNOWS me, if he UNDERSTANDS me and if he can SUPPORT me, then we’d be able to be back together. We’d be able to be happy. I didn’t say that in the letter, and I’m wondering if I should. I don’t really see the point in it. I stripped myself bare in that letter.

Classes start in two days. This was a really challenging spring break, but a much needed one. And I’m so glad I have Jocelyn- I would have been so lost without her to guide me through this mess. Similar to how things were last July.

I miss him. I hate being without him. I hate that he was HERE, he was HERE and I didn’t get to enjoy him. I waited eight weeks to see him for three hours, to be crushed and broken when he left me. And I hate that even with that, I still miss him. I still want him back. I still want him to be back in my bed and in my arms and I want his sweetness BACK.

Jocelyn reminded me of what I said to her when she asked me why I stayed. She reminded me of my reaction. I immediately teared up and I said “because when I’m with him, I’m REALLY happy. I feel REALLY good about myself, he makes me feel... Incredible. I’m just so happy.” And I miss feeling that way, I miss the way he could brighten me.

I’m holding my breath for him again. He suggested that he wanted to write me a letter, he suggested that he was going to mail me a package, and I don’t know how sincere or empty his words are, but I’m holding my breath for him nonetheless. Knowing him, he would text me before he sent me anything. He wouldn’t just surprise me with a letter or a package. And he hasn’t texted, so I think it’s safe to assume that nothing has come in the mail from him headed in my direction. That, and he’s slow to get things like this done. He stews, he ruminates, he makes tons of notes in tons of notebooks. If he’s going to send me anything, my guess is that it won’t be until sometime in April.

But I still want him to send me something anyway. I still want to know whether I’m important to him.