Your Man Doesn’t Have The Mental Strength To Caramelize Onions 

How long does someone have to be dead before it’s considered archeology instead of grave robbing?

Some angles of Jinx without "shimmer light"

Me: I need a library card, but I just moved so I don’t have an ID with my address or any mail with it.

Librarian: -slides me a blank library postcard- Write your address on this like it would be mailed to you.

Me: Sure?

Librarian: -takes it back- Great! Now we have mail with your address on it!

Me: …does it really work that way?

Librarian: the rules don’t say it DOESN’T work that way. Here’s your new library card!

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

there's a tortoise at work and he's 30 years old and I love that he's 30 years old because I can look at this animal that is 3 years older than me and go "does the man want his appy slices??" and he hustles over cause the man do want his appy slices

just some of the the changes in design for the Penguin Symbol on old Penguin Paperbacks 

I have a friend who has one biological and one adopted son and I found out he likes to tell people “my firstborn is six and my other child is eleven” which is hilarious.