Mathblr - Blog Posts

20 X 2022

the past few days were hectic

my grandma's burthday was nice, but very stressful, because until the very last minute I didn't know if I can go home with my mother or if I would have to take the train that would arrive at my city at 5am

I tried to study on my way to the event but unfortunately I didn't do much

annotating categories for the working mathematician was the peak of my abilities

I really enjoy the course btw, which is a bit surprising, because there are so many negative opinions about the teacher. right now we are at abelian categories and probably soon will move on to homological algebra

I spent a long time studying adjunctions but I can say that I understand them pretty well now

maybe a part of the reason why I like category theory so much is that I like drawing and chasing them diagrams

I started doing the second problem set for the analytic functions course. they are much easier than the first one. I managed to solve a half of them today. last time it took me a whole day to solve one problem

for the next few days I plan to

complete the analytic functions homework

commutative algebra homework

category theory homework

abelian categories

localization

analytic functions, differentiation and integration of complex functions

wish me luck and I wish you a pleasant evening

13 X 2022

I dedicated the weekend to meeting with people from the machine learning club, helping my friend through her analysis homework and studying category theory for one of my subjects. then I did mostly the complex analysis homework

here are some wannabe aesthetic notes

my main goal at the time was to truly understand yoneda's lemma and the main intuition I have is that sometimes we shouldn't study the category C, but thw category of all functors from C to Set

after studying for a few hours I can say that the concept became a bit more intuitive

one of the problems in my "putnam homework" was to calculate the product of all differences of distinct n-th roots of unity – or so I thought. for a few days I believed that my solution doesn't work. I ended up with a disgusting fomula interating cosines of obscure angles but the visual intuition is neat, especially for an odd n. aaand that's no surprise since it turns out I'm fucking illiterate. not distinct roots, just differences of distinct roots, so that the whole thing is symmetric and there is no distinction of n odd vs n even

anyway I finally solved it, so that's nice!

I completed 5 out of 10 problems, which was my goal, so I should stop now and do my commutative algebra homework. there is one more exercise I want to solve:

the complex polynomial P with integer coefficients is such that |P(z)| ≤ 2 ∀z∈S¹. how many non-zero coefficients can P have?

I'm almost there with it and it's really cool

ofc the opportunity to include pretty drawings in my homework couldn't be wasted

during my category theory tutorial the professor asked me to show my solution on the blackboard. I was kinda stressed because now is the first time when I have my lectures and tutorials in english and on top of that this is a grad course. that whole morning I was fighting to stay awake, after the blackboard incident I didn't have to anymore

this is what I did

this week is likely to be the hardest out of many proceeding ones, because I won't have the weekend for studying (it's my grandma's birthday) so I need to use the maximum of my time during the week and get as much done as possible. I still need to do two homeworks, and study the theory. I am trying to learn how to prioritize and plan things, this is still a huge problem for me

I found an interesting youtube channel: Justin Sung. he talks about how to study/ how to learn and I like what he says, because it just makes so much sense. it's been a while since I started suspecting that methods such as flash cards or simple note-taking don't work and his content explains very well why they indeed might not work. it's very inspiring to see a professional confirm one's intuition

7 X 2022

my first week is over. I'm tired and I can tell already that it will be a hard semester. I have already spent more than 15 hours on my complex analysis homework and I solved 1 problem out of 10, ugh

this subject is gonna give me major impostor syndrom lmao I know that these problems are putnam level difficulty but it's frustrating to have spent the whole day on something and fail. and I'm not kidding, I have a book on problem solving techinques for putnam and the exercises there are easier than those we do in class

one could say I'm bragging but it doesn't mean anything if I can complete only 1 of 10 problems which is a trivial corollary from Vieta's and took me about 4 hours to realize anyway

algebra homework was relatively easy, I discussed it with a few people who also take the course and together we completed the whole thing

for now I still have the motivation to try to look good so this week I've been pulling off dark academia aesthetic

I am afraid of my brain because it likes to give me meltdowns right when I need my cognitive performance to be reliable. I spent the whole holiday working on coping skills so I could spend less time sitting on the floor and crying

I spend most of the time with my boyfriend studying together. having a body double really helps

1 X 2022

new month huh

yesterday the commutative algebra teacher sent out the first homework assignment. you know, fuck the holiday, we need that grind

I have a week to solve it but I started yesterday as I was so excited

we need to prove some elementary properties of commutative unitary rings and I am enjoying it, I completed a half of the exercises so far. I can tell that the intuition acquired from studying module theory is paying off. many of the requested properties are the special cases of what I encountered during my module venture, so I feel like I understand them quite well. the problem I come across is how to write it down in a rigorous way, but I guess this is why we're supposed to do those exercises

I just got home from the math camp, it was so exhausting. I am not used to being around people all the time, so I my tolerance for interactions is low. I'm glad I went there tho, because I gained some teaching experience – my lecture, choosing contest problems and then grading the solutions

my university offers jobs as graders, older students can make some extra money checking homeworks of younger ones. the requirement is to have a decent GPA, which I don't have so I'm afraid they won't accept me. I don't know how decent exactly tho, so I'm going to try. in particular I might get bonus points for my extracurricular activities, giving talks at conferences and the grading I did at the camp. I'm so done with being poor, I hope I get in. otherwise I might start looking for some programming jobs, not for this academic year but in general, to find out what I could do at all

a few days ago I found a book that I wish I had found sooner: Vector Analysis, Klaus Janich

these are some of the chapters I needed a few months ago for my analysis course. the book is written like a novel and contains many interesting examples. on the bright side there are chapters about riemannian manifolds and other stuff that I haven't yet had an opportunity to study, so I plan to skim through the topics I already know and stay longer at those new to me

well, the sememster starts on tuesday so I don't have much time for that book, but as a sidequest it seems just right

26 IX 2022

I spent the past few days watching good doctor and doing algebra (mostly). I am trying to get used to working in the library

right now I'm at the math camp for the olympiad where I'm giving a lecture on the power of a point and radical axes

I wish I had been in a more math-oriented highschool, I feel like I missed out on so much. my school was focused on literature and philosophy, I switched to math and physics in my last year. on the one hand it's probably a nice achievement that I've managed to get into the university to study math, on the other hand I could have done so much more

I've been struggling to motivate myself to study lately, because the semester starts next week and I cannot really start anything new right now, but I also don't have anything in particular that I could continue. I decided to just read eisenbud and solve some exercises with homology

17 IX 2022

for the past few days life was treating me quite aggressively. today I had a terrible migraine, I feel weak and tired in general. doing math in a state like that isn't as pleasant so obviously I didn't do much, prioritized my health instead

during the semester I used The introduction to manifolds by Loring Tu to study analysis and I forgot that there were many nice exercises there that I didn't have time for but promised myself I would try them eventually

so tonight was the night and I studied grassmannians

I had some "results" done on my own, which later confirmed to be true, namely that the grassmannian over ℝⁿ for a 1-dim subspace is equivalent to a projective space of dimension n-1. I'm pretty sure that we are getting the projective of the same dimension for n-1 dim subspaces but I didn't calculate anything for n>3 so I might go back to that one day

it's fun to get hunches like that even if they turn out to be completely obvious to the authors of textbooks lmao

I am finally in the place with studying the theory for homology, commutative algebra and apparently differential topology (as it turned out today), where I have a variety of exercises I can try and that's the good part for me, always helps to get deeper insights and allows me to be more active

a friend asked me for a talk about the zariski topology in the context of algebraic sets and spectra of rings, so I'll see her soon for that. she will give me a personalized lecture about her thesis, which is about general topology. I am not a big fun of general topo but I'm always a slut for lectures about math so am excited for that

I hope my body will get its shit together because I still have to prep my lecture on euclidean geometry and when I don't feel good it's super difficult to motivate myself to do things that are not super exciting. I will never see productivity as a value on its own for this very reason lol I can barely do anything I don't find interesting

13 IX 2022

my euclidean geometry journey will be over soon and the start of the semester is so close, it's kinda scary

recently I stumbled upon someone's post with a time-lapse video of their study session. I liked it so much that I decided to make mine

this is me learning about the snake lemma and excision

the excision theorem is the hardest one in homology so far btw, I spent about 4 hours on it and I am barely halfway through. I like the idea of the proof tho, it's very intuitive actually: start simple and tangible, then complicate with each step lmao

I realized two things recently. one of them is that deeply studying theorems is important and effective. effective, uh? in what way? in exams we don't need to cite the whole proof, it suffices to say "the assertion follows from the X theorem"

yeah right, but my goal is to be a researcher, not a good test-taker, researchers create their own proofs and what's better than studying how others did it if I am for now unable to produce original content in math?

the second things is that I learned how to pay attention. I know, it sounds crazy, but I've been trying another ✨adhd medication✨ and after a while I realized that paying attention is exhausting, but this is the only way to really learn something new, not just repeat what I already know. it made me see how much energy and effort it takes to make good progress and that it is necessary to invest so much

I am slowly learning to control my attention, which brings a lot of hope, as I believed that I had to rely on random bouts of hyperfocus, before I started treatment. I am becoming more aware or how much I am focusing at the given moment and I'm trying to work on optimizing those levels. for instance, when I'm reading a chapter in a textbook for the first time, it is necessary to remember every single detail, but wanting to do so consumes a lot of energy, because it means paying constant attention. it is ineffective because most likely I will have to repeat the process a few more times before I truly retain everything. being able to actually pay attention at will sure does feel good tho, as if I had a new part of my brain unlocked

I am solving more exercises for algebraic topology, procrastinating my lecture prep lmao. I am supposed to talk about the power of a point and radical axes, I have a week left and I can't force myself to start, because there is so much good stuff to do instead

I have a dream to produce some original results in my bachelor's thesis. it may be very difficult, because I hardly know anything, that's why I'm calling it a dream, not a goal. the plan is to start writing at the end of the semester, submit sometime in june

I spent last week at the seminar on analysis and oh boi, I will have to think twice next time someone asks if I like analysis. the lecturer who taught me at uni had a different approach than the "classic" one. we did a little bit of differential geometry, Lie groups and de Rham cohomology, those are the things I like. meanwhile at the seminar it was mostly about analytic methods of PDEs, the most boring shit I have ever seen

complex analysis will most likely be enjoyable tho, I'm taking the course this semester

for the next few days I need to force myself to prep that damn geometry lecture. other than that I plan to keep solving the AT exercises and maybe learn some more commutative algebra. I wish everyone a pleasant almost-autumn day 🍁

10 IX 2022

today I need some extra motivation to study because I didn't sleep well these past few days and it has drastic effects on my productivity, energy, motivation and what have you

also I am struggling to make the choice as to what I should do today

yesterday I started solving some basic exercises from hatcher's textbook

Δ-complex structures are becoming more intuicitve with time. take my solutions with a grain of salt, I am just starting to learn about these things and won't vouch for them lmao

some more complicated objects (the last one is an example of a lense space)

I decided to study commutative algebra today

so far I'm enjoying it. not as much as algebraic topology (which will always be my number 1) but it has its beauty

right now I'm at hom and tensor functors, the structures are fairly complicated, but pretty, and they look like they need to be studied in stages, with repetition and breaks, to fully grasp what's going on

my sensory issues are terrible today and I'm exhausted and hyperactive at the same time uh

I'll try working through a lecture on commutative algebra and give an update on how it went later

update: I studied for a while, but it wasn't going great so I decided to take a nap instead. god knows I tried

5 IX 2022

maybe once a month is a bit too seldom to post? I kinda want to form a habit of romanticizing my academic life, I see all those studyblr accounts with beautiful photos of their desks and notes and I'm pretty sure those images exist in their minds as well

maybe one day I will be considered studyspo lol

I'm just starting to work on some geometry problems for today, haven't yet decided what I will focus on, but there is this one problem that haunted me when I tried to sleep yestarday:

given a triangle ABC with ∠A = 60°, let P be a point in the interior of ABC such that ∠APB = ∠APC = 120°. prove that ∠APX = 90°, for X being the circumcenter of ABC

it's supposed to be solved using spiral similarity, which is a composition of a rotation and homothety. there was another problem that was listed as "spiral similarity exercise", but I proved it with angle chasing exclusively, creating some nasty drawings in the process

other than geometry I'm studying homology, at the moment the basics of homological algebra, such as the first proofs by diagram chasing and exact sequences

I made some notes for exact sequences induced in homology

my perspective on doing math is slowly changing I think, I feel inspired to search for problems that I would like to solve. I noticed that I have this mental block: before I start doing math for real, I need to learn all the theory. which is absurd, you can never learn all the theory

sure, obtaining truly groundbreaking results requires years of learning theory and mastering tools if you want to specialize in algebraic topology and geometry, but the mindset I have creates the comfort zone of "play safe, just read your textbook, no challenges for now" and I'm starting to see beyond that

right now I'm taking my first steps into understanding that reading textbooks and learning how to solve basic exercises is not enough. they are just methods that are supposed to help my creativity and curiosity do their thing. essentially what I've been doing so far is not math, merely the preparation to do math in the future. no wonder I've been feeling so bored recently, all I'm doing is just learning basic tools. the idealist in me is asking to be unleashed

I feel like I'm about to see something much bigger than me

september

I decided to start posting monthly, I hope it will help me keep it regular during the semester, it may also bring more structure into my posts

I gave my talk at the conference, I was surprised with the engagement I received, people asked a lot of questions even after the lecture was over. it seemed to be very successful in a sense that so many people found the topic interesting

what I need to do the most in the next 3 weeks is learn the damn geometry. sometimes I take breaks to study algebraic tolology, I did that yesterday

you guys seem to enjoy homology so here is me computing the simplicial homology groups of the projective plane. I tried to take one of these aesthetic photos I sometimes see on other studyblrs but unfortunately this is the best I can do lmao

my idea for mainly reading and taking notes only when it's for something really complicated seems to be working. I focus especially on the problem-solving side of things, because as I learned the hard way, I need to learn the theory and problem-solving separately. what I found is that sitting down and genuinely trying to prove the theorems stated in the textbook is a good way to get a grasp of how the problems related to that topic are generally treated. sometimes making one's own proof is too difficult, well, no wonder, experienced mathematicians spend months trying to get the result, so why would I expect myself to do that in one sitting. then I try to put a lot of effort into reading the proof, so that later I can at least describe how it's done. I find this quite effective when it comes to learning a particular subject. I will never skip the proof again lmao

in a month I'll try to post about the main things I will have managed to do, what I learned, what I solved, and hopefully more art projects

25 VIII 2022

I found the most beautiful math book I have ever seen

it covers the basics of algebraic topology: homotopy, homology, spectral sequences and some other stuff

one of the authors (Fomenko) was a student when this book was being published, he made all the drawings. imagine being an artist and a mathematician aaand making math art

just look at them

other than those drawing masterpieces there are illustrations of mathematical concepts

I'm studying homology right now, so it brings me joy to know that this book exists. I don't know how well it's written yet, but from skimming the first few pages it seems fine

I just finished watching a lecture about exact sequences and I find the concept of homology really pretty: it's like measuring to what extent the sequence of abelian groups fails to be exact

I'm trying to find my way of taking notes. time and again I catch myself zoning out and passively writing down the definitions, so right now I avoid taking notes until it's with a goal of using the writing as a tool for acquiring understanding. I'm trying to create the representations of objects and their basic relations in my mind at first, then maybe use the process of note-taking to further analyze less obvious properties and solving some problems

I will post more about it in the future, we'll see how that goes

today I learned that for a surface with boundary, which I believe we can say a straw is, the genus is equal to that of a 2-manifold obtained from attaching disks to the boundary. hence the straw has genus equal to that of a 2-sphere, which is 0, therefore a straw has 0 holes

also a straw is not homotopic to a torus I think, but rather to S¹, as it's a product of S¹ and a closed interval, which is contractible. a torus has the fundamental group S¹×S¹, thus they cannot be homotopy equivalent. buuut that requires the straw to be infinitely thin so maybe I'm too idealistic for this claim to hold and it is in fact equivalent to a torus

lmao I love math but I can't stop laughing at the fact that it took me two years of university to be able to have this discussion

I’m really into internet discourse but only pointless and stupid internet discourse like how many holes there are in a straw (it’s 2)

22 VIII 2022

I will have to give a talk soon, in a few days I'll be attending a student conference. I decided to prepare something about my latest interest, which is knot theory. what makes it so cool for me is that the visual representations are super important here, but on top of that there is this huge abstract theory and active research going on

I decided to talk about the Seifert surfaces. this topic allows to turn my whole presentation into an art project

other than that I'm studying euclidean geometry and unfortunately it is not as fun as I thought it'd be

my drawings are pretty, ik. but there is almost no theory

I had a thought that working through a topic with a textbook is a bit like playing a game. doing something like rings and modules, the game has a rich plot (the theory), and quests (exercises) are there to allow me to find out more about the universum. whereas euclidean geometry has almost no plot, consists almost solely of quests. it's funny cause I never played any game aside from chess and mine sweeper

commutative algebra turned out to be very interesting, to my surprise. I was afraid that it would be boring and dry, but actually it feels good, especially when the constructions are motivated by algebraic geometry

commalg and AG answer the question from the first course in abstract algebra: why the fuck am I supposed to care about prime and maximal ideals?

oh and I became the president of the machine learning club. this is an honor but I'm understandably aftaid that I won't do well enough

I'm stressed about the amount of responsibilities, that's what I wanted to run away from by having the holiday. good thing is I gathered so many study resources for this year that I probably won't have to worry about it anytime soon, or at least I hope so

31 VII 2022

finally posting after the exams are over, it was the longest session I have ever experienced, a month of exams. I passed everything and it was a good semester, actually my grades are better than ever before, which comes off as a surprise, I can't believe that it's anything other than luck

now what am I going to do for the holiday huh

next semester I am going to take three courses: analytic functions, commutative algebra and a mix-course of category theory, sheaf theory and homological algebra. then I plan to take algebraic topology, algebraic geometry, number theory and some more abstract algebra, along with writing a bachelor's thesis. this is probably going to be the hardest year so far, I don't know how I am going to survive this, I'm so scared

I was asked to give some lectures on geometry during a math summer camp for people who want to participate in the math olympiad. it's a great opportunity for me to practice giving lectures, as that's what I plan my job to be. moreover, it is my dream to be so good at math that I could prep people for the olympiad, hence that's a fraction of that dream coming true

the problem is I don't know geometry lol last time I did any was like four years ago in high school

thus I play with triangles everyday

other than that I must prepare a talk for a conference, I chose to do one on the knot theory, Seifert surfaces specifically. I started reading about it some time ago and it seems super cool

untangling knots is a perfect thing to do for fun

my plan for the holiday outside of these side-quests is to learn as much as possible for the courses that I'll be taking. the problem with them (besides analytic functions) is that they will be quite technical, detailed and dry, as they are supposed to give the tools necessary to study algebraic topology and geometry. that does sound dreadfully boring, no? that's what scares me, because when I am not interested in what I'm trying to learn everything becomes twice as hard. I asked here and there for advice and people told me to read about algebraic geometry in tandem with commutative algebra, since many constructions have beautiful interpretations and motivations there. sounds like exactly what I need

my bachelor's thesis will be on algebraic or differential topology probably, but I don't know exactly what I want to write about. I was thinking about vector fields on manifolds or de rham cohomology, but the thing with the proseminar on geometric topology (mine) is that it's been planned to give the introduction to the currently researched topics and offer opportunities to work with fresh conjectures and theorems. at least that's how it was described. allegedly geometric topology has this property that undergrads can contribute to the development of new theory, which is very surprising to me ngl, I would guess that this is highly unlikely with any kind of math nowadays and yet here we are

in conclusion, I'm excited but scared

28 V 2022

topology and analysis tests are over, both went I think alright

if I don't get 100% from topo I'm going to be very frustrated, because I studied hard and acquired deep understanding of the material – so far as to be able to hold a lecture for my classmate about any topic

analysis ughhh if I get ≥40% I will be overjoyed. but that's just the specifics of this subject, you study super hard and seem to be entirely ready, you solve all of the problems in prep and then best you can do is 40%. my best score so far was 42%, so anything more than that will be my lifetime record lmao, I want this so bad. I solved two problems entirely I think, which should give 40% already, and some pieces from two more, chances are I get 50%, which would be absolutely amazing

here are some pictures from me transforming math into an art project

stokes theorem

topology

I was thinking about how annoying I find what people say to me when I tell them that I'm not happy with how I'm doing at math. their first idea is to tell me how great I am and how all I do is good enough and shit like that. it doesn't help, it just feels like I am not being taken seriously. when I barely pass anything, am I really supposed to believe that everything is actually good? it feels like they skip getting to know my situation and just tell me what they would tell anyone, automatic

when I try to calm myself down and think something that will keep me going I don't try to force myself to be happy, fuck that, not being content with one's achievements is very fine, I believe not being happy all the time is fully natural and all that positivity feels so fake

instead what seems to work is asking myself where the rational threshold of being ok with how I'm doing is. the thing is I will never be satisfied, whatever I have, I always want more. but I can set the limits in advance and that stops me from falling into self-loathing loops

although what has really changed the game for me was getting a few good grades, finally I am achieving something, anything. people tell me that I should learn to be alright without this external reliance on achievements but how am I supposed to do that when the source of my low moods is precisely getting less than I want? I don't understand why I should brainwash myself into thinking that this is actually not what I want. the trick here is to separate the goal-orientedness from the sense of self-worth. the groundbreaking realization of mine was figuring out that I believe I deserve more than I get, that's why I am unhappy. so now that I am getting what I think what I deserve I obviously feel much better

also a funny thing is happening

my title here on tumblr is "you can't comb a hairy ball" – hairy ball theorem, which says that whenever an n-dimensional sphere admits a continuous field of unit tangent vectors, n must be odd. I love how geometric this is, math is full of memes

anyway when I found out about it I was joking that my thesis will be on it. and now it's actually very likely that my first thesis will be about hairy manifolds, I can't wait till I can start writing

15 V 2022

I have a topology test this friday, not gonna lie I'm kinda stressed. this is my favourite subject and I am dedicating a great deal of time to learn it so if I get a low grade it undermines the efficiency of my work. everyone thinks I'm an "expert", but internally I feel like I lied to them. it's ridiculous, because I can solve all the theoretical problems fairly well but the moment I have to calculate something for a specific example of a space I am clueless. and it's about applying theory to problems, right? so what is it worth

other than that tomorrow is a participation round in the integral competition at my university. I am participating. I don't have any high hopes for this, because it's been a while since I practiced integration and I am not motivated to do so because it's not an important skill – wolfram exists. either way could be fun, that's why I decided to go there

I am dreading the fact that I'll have to sit down and learn all the material from the probability theory until the exams. I've been ignoring it completely so far, because it's boring and complicated. the last homework broke me, it's high time to get my shit together

8 V 2022

I am on my way home from a math conference, the first one in which I participated actively – I prepaired the talk about the Borsuk-Ulam theorem

my lecture was centered around the connection between the classic "continuous" BUT and its combinatorial analog: Tucker's lemma

I wanted to talk about this because I was amazed at how cool and "versatile" this theorem is. there is a whole book about its applications and generalizations, which is btw very well-written, I highly encourage everyone to read it:

my presentation went well, although after practicing it for about a week the topic seemed really fucking boring to me, no wonder

other than that I have another recommendation to make. do you also hate how messy multivariable calculus is? I do. calculations and technical definitions everywhere, and at the end everything comes down to calculating the determinant of some jacobian. bluh. I stumbled upon a book that describes everything from a sort of algebraic perspective, smells a little bit like category theory too. very clean, very satisfying to read:

I have been studying covering spaces recently and I can give some dope motivation for learning about the structure induced by the covering mapping:

I will never forget that the homomorphism induced by the covering projection is injective

that would be it for my mathemathical life. my personal life, which is still closely connected to math, brings me some psychological progress. I no longer get stuck in loops of "oh I'm so bad at math. maybe I'm not? I got a good grade from X. ah but I got a shit grade afterwards". it might be because I didn't fall on my face for a while now, only decent grades, good ideas, a good presentation, this is correct. but I also do not negotiate with myself that this is supposed to be proof that I'm good enough, I just stopped paying attention to these and focused on math instead. and paradoxically when I stopped caring about being good at math I was rewarded with getting better at math???

a coincidence,

a pleasant one, nonetheless.

anyway I will have to take a fall at some point, unavoidable. and it will be the final test of my progress, becauase I used to get very elevated in my sense of self-worth after receiving a single good grade among trash ones and now I'm just ok. not the god, just ok. but back then, at some point I would no longer be god, I would get smacked in the face by some "proof that I'm actually trash" and that would be a fall from a significant altitude. so I'm hoping that the fall will also be less painful now

I think the biggest change I made was giving up, I abandoned all hope. nooow here is the moment when people interrupt me with "nooo that's horrible don't give up you're a great person you just have to notice that"

fuck off you don't understand shit

I'm doing better now precisely because I stopped hoping that one day I'll stop feeling worthless, that one day something great will happen that will prove once and for all that I'm meant for something great. I can't stand this anymore, I am disgusted by the fact that deep down I still believe that I'm supposed to be the best and that I can't enjoy anything unless I am winning. I want to puke when I'm reminded that everything I do serves the purpose of winning the negotiations I have with myself about what my actual value is

my self-hatred runs much deeper now than ever before and I have no more patience for self-victimization, no more room for "allowing myself to feel". fuck off, all I feel is rage. I want to be able to do things without the prospect of a reward, my goal is to enjoy things, not the sense of being good at doing things

so that's what I'm doing, I made peace with the fact that I will probably never feel good about myself and that I have no chance at achieving the greatness I crave. and I must say I started respecting myself more, turns out I am actually able to do things without the promise of being the best at them, the vision of bringing value to the world motivates me. and fuck the western culture with its oh you must love yourself you are a great person. no, you don't have to do that and you have no way of knowing what kind of person you are, nobody has ever defined it in a strict formal sense, people just use this phrase to trigger the feel-good in others

I am aware that all of this sounds really bad, but I don't care, it works. and my math will be better like that because now that I stopped crying over being trash I have more time to study

I just hope that the fall won't be as painful

27 IV 2022

neglected this place very much, would like to start posting again

may I start with what's new

the last semester was pretty much a failure, I passed everything but my grades were trash. had me seriously doubting my abilities

turns out studying comes easier when I am medicated correctly. I was diagnosed with adhd and asd, so now that I have proper meds and understand my brain a little bit better, things come easier

I fell deeply in love with algebraic topology. there was a notion of excitement about the whole concept of homotopy a few months ago, but now I am fiercely invested in making algebraic topo my field of choice

psychologically I am working on focusing more on the process than the results. it means that my goal is not "to be good at math" but rather to complete this homework, pass that test, etc., in hopes of reducing some of the stress coming from the fear of failure

my current semester is quite boring. ODEs are trivial, yet I have to sit on my ass for a few hours and learn how to solve them. analysis is difficult as always although differential forms are interesting. probability theory is just not my thing. only topology is the light in the tunnel

I don't have any specific plans for the next few days nor do I have any goals. maybe I want to study covering spaces and solve some problems concerning the fundamental group. other than that I need to complete my analysis homework and study de Rham cohomology

here are my category theory notes

→ 3 IX 2021

such a weird day today. i finished complete spaces and then moved on to preparing for the math conference i'm going to on sunday. there is a lot of high level stuff so i won't be able to learn everything, of course, but i'm doing my fav thing ever and enjoying it thoroughly. that is, switching from a topic to a topic in the spare of 15 minutes and reading a bit about anything until it stops being ✨super exciting✨

this amounts to a total of 8 hours of math and i am not done yet. love it, absolutely love to waste time like that

concentration: fucking ∞

tomorrow i'm doing an algebra speedrun with bf and two of our friends. this is an experiment aiming at seeing how much information we are able to pack into our heads in one sitting. we haven't studied abstract algebra before. then in a few as i mentioned i am going to a math conference, with bf and our other friend. excited about that too. i fucking love math

daaamn girl are you a graph?

cause you're very edgy

→ 30 VIII 2021

not much has happened really

concentration: 4

doing topo as usual, stopped doing as much analysis, just enjoying my break from coding with abstract ideas

reading books about math became sort of a comfort thing for me. i fell in love with just sitting there and trying to imagine everything. i wish i could be payed for studying math, i would be a fucking billionaire at this point

i've been working on it with my boyfriend for a while now and–

our first video is up!

i hope you enjoy it and subscribe to our channel

https://youtu.be/-X2BBtRI1Xw

13-16 VIII 2021

much work recently gotta code

gonna monitor only my focus now, define the scale such that 1 means "can't concentrate at all" and 5 means "hyperfocus". today was

focus: 2

i am not doing as much math as i'd like to as i have to focus on the python project i'm doing with bf. anyway, we can say that i did cartesian products of topo spaces, i do have some basic understanding of the concepts now. i started compact spaces. i also need to read some stuff on connectedness and put extra time into analyzing examples of what i've been learning about. so that's the next thing on my schedule, after i'm done with compact and connected spaces

but hey i have 1.5 month of the holidays left and i learned most of the theory planned for me on analysis and half of what i'm supposed to learn on topo. doing good

other than that i decided to write down the structure of how i study:

i find it to be a good way for studying math, it goes brrr like this:

general idea → details, connections and applications

i gained some followers already, i hope you guys enjoy this and possibly find it helpful. moreover, i'm very interested in your custom study algorithms if you have any

10-12 VIII 2021

finished the basics of the measure theory and god am i in love

sleep: ok

concentration: good

phone time: good

yeah so now i know what a measurable set and a measurable function is, i'm on my way to lebesgue integration. however, i don't have the intuition for measurable functions yet, just the basics. there are those two theorems that i merely vaguely understand and idk barely can touch them. one of them is lusin, the other one is frechet. they seem very important as they deal with continuity of a function in the context of measurability. and do we love continuous functions my dude yes we do

tomorrow i plan to solve some problems concerning measurable functions and then do topo. i must admit, measure theory devoured me entirely recently and i had a break from topo. gotta fix that. and possibly do some coding

some experimentation with colors, i tried the inverse:

looks neat tho i think i won't stick to that, as my previous notes are black on white and the inverse is taken by changing the template and the marker color uhh they're gonna be incompatible

7-9 VIII 2021

did math and coding nothing special really

sleep: good

concentration: good

phone time: good

reading about measure theory. here is a great book:

everything is so well explained here. i wish i could do more math than i have time for but i guess it's fine, it's holidays, i will wreck my brain completely anyway when october comes

tomorrow more measure theory and topo

6 VIII 2021

went back home

sleep: good, finally, although it's already almost 3 and i'm still up so i gotta go be unconscious for a few hours soon

concentration: fine

phone time: fine

did some measure theory, only this today and i'm in love, shit's fucking amazing

tomorrow i'll probably do more measure theory and possibly some coding

mood: filling an open set with dyadic cubes and pretending this is studying measure theory

4-5 VIII 2021

did much topo and walked

sleep: weird. 5 hours. woke up at 3:30, at least right now it seems i might finally fix my circadian rythm

concentration: not good. too little sleep

phone time: good

almost done with operations on topo spaces and did some measure theory today. i love it so much, it's so new and yet so intuitive

tomorrow gonna take a peek at some art probably and possibly finish the operations on topo spaces, hoping to jump right into connected spaces and maybe do some more measure theory. kinda gave up with multivar calc boring af lol

2-3 VIII 2021

it's 4am currently, i woke up after a 5hour nap and i don't plan to sleep anymore, time for topo

sleep: weird but going in the right direction i guess

concentration: fine

phone time: good

i am currently dragging myself through some of the most important theorems in multivar calculus i believe. inverse function theorem, implicit function theorem, diffeomorphisms and stuff. the proofs are quite simple but very long hence exhausting, my least fav kind of proofs. right now i'm doing topo

tomorrow (or rather today) i'm planning to do more topo and possibly finish my notes from that calculus chapter