Snacks That Were At The Halloween Party. I Swear I Posted It, But Tumblr Must Have Not Fully Posted It.

Hmmm maybe Amophous Shape, and a bit of Pyronica?

Same honestly

i spent all day working super hard on something nobody asked for, but here’s a simple thing in the meantime

TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing

I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel

I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either

Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there

I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this

At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread

I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back

Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again

But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected

What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option

Probably says a lot about me

It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them

So many beautiful thoughts faded away

I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares

Back on topic

Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again

This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well

Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi

It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions

Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still

It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it

Sorry that’s a big paragraph

Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them

Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then

Anyway

I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about

But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away

I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah

Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye

U know what if they are gone I think himiko and Tomura are...

They're okay. The karaoke bars don't close in the afterlife, big sis Magne is sure to let them know that.

The internet is always fast. They have time. Tomura will listen to Himiko sing Chappell Roan ten thousand times and she'll let him explain fallout lore to her while she scrolls her phone and Jin will come home from his day job with snacks and sure you don't need to work in the afterlife but he likes having something to do when he isn't trying his stand up comedy on them.

And the days are easy and the nights are long and Himiko got so many compliments on her outfit today she can't wait to talk their ears off about it.

And they have time, and patience for their comrades to join them, whether that be in two months or twenty years.

And when the time comes when they're all together and bored of the afterlife, Tomura will stand on the precipice of Again, with his league, his comrades, his friends his family. And he will take that first step into something new. Sure and proud, leading the others into tomorrow, the next life with the promise of finding each other again.

He still needs to be a hero to those guys after all, his League of Villians.

Just got a new phone, and wtf why is it allowed to tell me how I use my headphones? Like so what if I use it at max volume a lot don’t tell me what to do. It literally will send a notification, and turn the music down. I can't even turn it off. Luckily I can turn it back up, but its still annoying

reblog only if you’ve received less than 1000 boops! we can all get each other to “max”

I spent half the afternoon on these two patterns, you're GONNA look at them.

okay so this is not an ‘official’ metric by any scale but i am curious so i just bullshitted my own (explanation on levels under the poll)

level 1 - can’t tolerate horror at all, actively avoids it at all costs

level 2 - will watch a horror movie with friends/family if convinced but will definitely not enjoy it. screams at jumpscares and covers eyes at tense moments

level 3 - can occasionally consume horror media. very easily startles at jumpscares. usually feels anxious/paranoid afterward

level 4 - startles at jumpscares and generally feels uneasy after consuming horror media. avoids anything horror-related at night time

level 5 - jumpscares are less effective, but can still startle. feels anxious during tense moments. horror mostly causes unease only at night time

level 6 - has no problem consuming any kind of horror media alone at night. is largely unaffected by jumpscares. horror causes no feeling of fear or anxiety

Pwish sceneries that popped into my head today. One NSFW

This first one would be like an intro to a smut fic. So Prismo, and Scarab are sitting at the laptop “working” on the next chapter for their fic. Scarab is the one doing the writing while Prismo’s just touching him everywhere, and grouping him lol. So it’s getting harder for Scarab to focus on writing the fic, and his mind keeps wandering to what Prismo is doing to him. And he keeps trying to write the fic but instead types out what he wants Prismo to do to him. Prismo sees this and then whatever smut you want happens

So as I was writing that I got another fic idea. No smut in this one though. Basically Prismo, and Scarab are each trying to write their own fic, but in a genre they aren’t used to. So Prismo tries writing a dark angsty fic, and Scarab has to do lighthearted fluff. They do this so they can both grow as writers, and they have to give each other tips, and pointers and stuff. I think it would be fun. (Now I’m imaging these fantasy lovers struggling to write sci-fi together)

Ok here is my last scenario:

So Prismo is trying to set up your typical romantic date. Candles, rose petals, the works, So he like cleans the hot tub, and main room, Scarab comes in, and immediately notices, and is wondering why his boyfriend cleaned everything out of the blue. So like the detective he is tried to get the answer from Prismo, who of course doesn’t want to ruin the surprise. So he “smoothly” gets out of it by kissing Scarab, and vanishing so he can keep setting up the date. Scarab is a little flustered but somehow realizes Prismo is setting up a date. So he decides to put on a cute outfit to look nice on the date. Which once Prismo is down setting it up leads him to realizing Scarab found out. Which is a little disappointing he did want it to be a surprise. He just plans to try harder though

I just jumped onto my bed, and slammed my head into my bed frame lol