I Wish My Heart Didn’t Feel Everything So Deeply

give them back to me

“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot. And you’ll survive whatever is coming.”

— Unknown

forever

it’s about a girl who’s destined to kill her true love with a kiss, a boy with a life-and-death obsession with hunting a dead welsh king, a boy who thinks he is not enough, who is the eyes and ears to a magical forest, a wounded boy who can dream things to life, a smudgy boy, a toga party. it is about three brothers and deadbeat parents and teachers who want to kill you, it is about how far they’ll go to get their answers, it is about sleeping trees and a house full of psychics, it’s about loving people so deeply you’ll never get the chance to even think about life without them. it’s about trust and bees and being gone and being remembered and phone calls late into the night and kissing ghosts for practice. it is about orange lipstick, ravens, clawing someone’s eye out, it is about orange camaros and mint leaves and cereal boxes where floor should be. it is manic, it is all-consuming, it is gut wrenching in the best way and lovely and it is being murdered outside your house on a hot afternoon (your favorite son finds you).

“I’ve learned that millions of people can believe in you, and yet none of it matters if you don’t believe in yourself.”

— Unknown

tw: derealization/depersonalization

i don't feel like i belong in my own body. i look around and everything feels out of focus and too sharp at the same time. are these my hands? are those my legs? who's touching me? am i touching me? the cloudless sky looks like a badly rendered video game; the foggy dusk drive feels more estranged and comforting than my own home. i'm walking down the stairs to get some water; it's dark; i feel dead. i'm floating around like a spectre; a phantom inside a body of flesh and bone. my skin is crawling; it, too, wishes i wasn't in it. someone asks me a question. "what?" it comes out more like a hum underwater. "have you been listening to me?" no.