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Dnd Shenanigans - Blog Posts
i try to make a wholesome, playable, funny joke character and it evolves into a pathetic lump of a man who puts everything before himself and would do anything to protect those he loves
My dnd character has to now argue against her wife who joined a cult that murder is, get this, *bad*
Let me tell you about the one time a nat one nature check led to an action packed adventure that included white water rafting in a tropical storm
The one kind of dragon no bard will fuck.
Use tax dollars to feed children/students who, by law, have to attend schools.
An actual transcript from last night's dnd session:
A: Can you add Divine Smite to Soup?
B: Tasty sou- SMITE
Me: SMOUP
Beginning of session:
Hand out these leaflets, we're doing some campaigning
End of session:
Local robotic crusader fights 2 wendigos, a vampire and possessed friend
Does necromancy work on dead plants? Also do the bones have to be reconfigured In the way it was when it had flesh or can i make a machine out of them using necromancy. Could you make a flying sword using necromancy because something’s holding those bones together and it’s not flesh
We're chaotic when playing DND. <3
today's session was wild
Dnd Update! Again!
I have been abandoned, I live alone in the woods now, there’s no one but me, a sandwich, and the murderous farmer that my character couldn’t tell was actually just a regular scare crow.
DND update!
It’s been a while! Giant ants and got to scream “Pedophiles” and shadows. Also, 8 year old has become a bludgeoning necromancer on a war path. So fun!
Dnd update!
There was an unfortunate TPK ending my reign as dm. A new campaign has started and now my friends remember why I’m not allowed to be a player.
Kenkus are fun.
Another dnd update!
One of my players has to explain in character how they killed their ex and how said ex not knowing that they were killed BY them and coming to find them because they believe they’re still dating is awkward because they are currently dating someone else.
Campaign update!
One of my players finally figured out he’s half parasite half demigod. Now he keeps asking me if he needs to be fantasy Jesus. Still doesn’t know his girlfriend friend is trying to eat his son.
Got another campaign update!
The drug addicted tabaxi and mushroom obsessed wizard are now trying to hide their newly formed drug empire from the “father” of the group. Also! One of the players realized that he could become his adopted daughters brother thanks to some weird gene stuff!
Update on my campaign!
Just watched 4 people argue about puberty and what age half-elves go through puberty. Came to the conclusion that tax evasion is necessary when raising children. Still don’t know how they got there.
So uh…. I made a campaign where everyone is lying to each other (except the cat that’s getting high all time) and the chaos that’s ensuing is WONDERFUL. They literally had a 1 hour fight about wether one person has green eyes or not because of this.
Ok I just need to let this out but like
I'm in a Curse of Strahd campaign, custom system, my character is this sentient mannequin filled with flesh who's currently going through an identity crisis, and we just finished the 3rd session, we make it to Barovia, and we started to bury Ismark and Ireena's dad, and Strahd shows up and helps us bury said dad, and as Strahd starts to leave, I do the stupid thing of hiding on the back of his carriage.
Nat 20 stealth check and now I'm separated from the rest of the party trapped in the castle and I am level 2.
I asked the DM what level we're supposed to get into the castle and he says level 10 and GOOD LORD I AM FUCKED.
Anyways here's Ireena with a keyblade because one of the party members said she should be holding a keyblade
DEATH BY RABID SQUIRREL
Okay, okay, okay. So I’m at my D&D club at my local library with 11 fellow PCs and our DM. So our wizard is sort of a loose cannon and plays chaotic neutral and sort of tries to do the randomest acts of stupidity. So this session we are in this city and we’ve split the party ( I know, I know) My sorcerer is off awaiting the arrival of the king, our bard is at a magic shop, and the rest of our party is at a circus that we’ve been requested to act as guards for. Except our wizard.
Our wizard, he’s trying to rob someone. Our wizard decides to try and rob this middle class old man, so he goes up to him and our DM has him roll for slight of hand and insight. He succeeds his slight of hand, but fails his insight role. He starts searching through the old man’s pocket and in said pocket is a rabid squirrel that attacks him. The old man discovers he’s being pick pocketed and screams in the most insane-old-man-with-rabies fashion “ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL MY SQUIRRELS!” Both the rabid squirrel and old man proceed to Attack our wizard... The squirrel gets a critical, the squirrel then deals near max damage to our wizard and he’s knocked into critical with one failed death saving throws. He fails another, succeeds one, fails his third.
So our wizard is now dead and his player is now notably upset considering that none of our characters have ever died since our current DM has only started DMing for us this session, and our previous DM had never DMed before, and never really wanted us to die since most of us were brand new to D&D. So our current DM is feeling really bad about killing our wizard and upsetting our player, but our necromancer, and previous DM, had a solution. She cast animate dead on our wizard and our DM allowed it and our necromancer now has the ability to command our undead, chaotic neutral, zombie wizard to do anything she wishes once per session. So, yeah, that’s the story of how our wizard robbed an old man, got killed by a rabid squirrel, and was resurrected from the dead by our necromancer.
Tumblrs of a few of my fellow PCs: @emo-little-shit-like-yeah @basementdregon101
Why NOT To Mess With The DM: Some Feywild Shenanigans That Happened.
DM throws us into the feywild while on our journey to find a rampaging necromancer after stumbling upon a strange tree that twisted into a portal.
While going through the trees, we find a gateway that leads to a road that we need to go down to continue.
A fey man stops us and tells us one of us needs to make a deal with him to continue on. The deal being that we need to give him our firstborn child in exchange for passage. (A classic really. Adds character development to a player's character.)
The rest of the group chatters amongst themselves as I, the Aasimar cleric, stay silent and look down at the token for the fey man. Smoking hot. I know what I have to do...
Fighter: Alright, so who should make the deal?
Monk: Perhaps me? I never planned on having children.
Rogue: Yeah, but what if you do later–
Me: I'll do it.
Fighter: Wha–
Fey: Are you sure... bird?
Me: Quite sure. I only have one question to ask you, Mr. Fey... *Leans closer towards the fey man, who in reality is just the DM* Do you prefer your eggs fried, scrambled, or... fertilized~?
The table is alive with quiet murmurs of noise. The paladin is making incomprehensible noises of disappointment. The fighter is astonished. The wizard keeps looking between me and the DM as I stayed leaned over the table towards the DM.
However... A smirk comes onto the DM's face as he turns the tables on me.
Fey: Careful what you wish for, birdie... I always take them fertilized.
The table now erupts. The bard is laughing his ass off. The rogue is making loud, "ooooohhhhh!!!" sounds as she watches this all go down. The monk is silently resigned as he stares off into space. I'm sitting there, wide-eyed in shock (and probably beet red) as I was not expecting him to flirt back in character since I was so used to just flirting and teasing and could not handle it being thrown back at me.
Lesson learned. You fuck around, you find out. Especially when it's with the DM.
You know, I never really thought about it before, but my dynamic with the paladin of my dnd group is rather ironic.
The paladin, sworn to his God and embarking on his never-ending crusade in their name... Vowing to never let anything stray them from their devotion and path, breaking all emotional ties from everyone from his old life...
..Gets constantly bombarded and pestered by the Aasimar of the group, (Practically just a dnd angel) who also, just so happens, to be the cleric of the group. Not only meaning I'm also worshipping and am devoted to a God despite my carefree nature, but I'm also worshipping the. Exact. Same. God.
Imagine you're going to church and devoted your whole life to make sure you do not sin in the slightest to try and please God to make it to heaven and then suddenly an angel drops down from the sky, throws bird puns in your face after ruthlessly flirting with the preacher, offering to spend the night with the nuns as well, and then still receiving divine blessings as if they weren't one of the biggest sinners alive.
Realized I Haven't Posted Any Of My Dnd Shenanigans, So Here's Something.
I never knew that playing as an Aasimar would be so. Damn. Fun.
Like, not just game play wise, but just the shit I can do with my character in the role play part of the game.
Because I can make so many egg/bird jokes and it pisses off the paladin every stinkin' time.
The party stops for a rest, setting up camp and staying the night out in the woods. I, the Aasimar cleric, wake up before the other party members and make breakfast before they all wake up.
Fighter: Thanks for the breakfast, this is really good. But where did find the eggs?
Me: *A devious smirk spreads across my face slowly*
Paladin: You. Did. NOT.
Me: Relax, I'm just messing with you. I found a bird's nest near camp. :3
All that crazy, and this guy still uses a bow better than me!🤣
🎊Happy Birthday Garren!!🥳
In the campaign recently we had a fun birthday session for our favourite Paladin where the party threw this grand magic tavern feast and invited the entire village they stopped in after completing a recent side quest!! I just had to draw Garren in his birthday fit and recieving some of his gifts from the party cause it was so wholesome fr fr. Happy Birthday Garren, congrats on somehow living to be both 31 and 281 at the same time (yeah I don't get it either lolol) 😂👀💧
Some close ups:
DnD Campaign:
What would you do if you were dating someone and they left you for an unknown reason when your relationship was great and they disappear for a month. The next month your mom says she getting married and you find out that your mom is getting married to the person you were dating and they were fucking behind you back
but I would reverse-parent trap. try to get them apart
what if that doesn't work and they trick you then your mom leaves for a vacation but during the vacation they actually got married and come back after a month long honeymoon from the Antarctic
after they come back from your honeymoon they have a orgy in your room with your ex-boyfriends mom. After confronting them about it they said they thought it was fine cause they were putting you up for adoption. A couple of years after you have been in the orphanage they come back but instead of coming back for you they adopt another kid who is a biter
make a blood pact with the biter to give them hell in exchange for whatever he wants
unfortunately the kid is not interested and has been wanting to be adopted for a year and won't give up this chance, also he is a furry
(Makes fursuit out of paper)
the child wakes to find his room a mess with his window open(he takes the fursuit) and alerts the parents. roll initiative to see if the parents find the note
(Rolls 18) ( I roll 20) *we are not playing accurate dnd*
unfortunately they find the note but because of the boys frantic movements they only find half*tells to write not that is not included for extensive swearing”
because of half the note being swears they skip through the important part(smh) Roll again to see if the boy finds the other half with your request
(Rolls 16) ( I roll 25)
the boy finds the other half of your note a month later And is slightly interested in your proposal if he gains something from it. Insight check to see what his ideals and wants are are
(Do I role for that?) *yes* (roles 17) **list is kept out**
what do you do now that you know this information?
hmm well, he can question his parents himself that's just asking a question. he's already been adopted, and he can bake in the kitchen. I'll buy him some candy and a fake medal that says "international furry" and get him a train ticket to the nearest farm. I have connections
*conversation on how she has connections as a child*
If you decide to wing it you will have to roll a persuasive check
I don't need permission im not the one fucking the horse??
the boy needs it
smh fine I'll roll(rolls 14)
how will you pass along the info to the boy?
break into his house again duh
He finds the note and decides to meet you at the train station. After arriving at the farm you try and convince the farmer, after little effort, he was an old man who had suffered a stroke the day before, you lead the boy to the horses and let him do his thing. do you stay and listen or go into the corn with eyes or do you go into the farm house with the dead farmer?
corn eyes
the corn eyes welcome you sensing your want for revenge. They offer you power in exchange for having a white persons sense of taste. What do you do?
(hey are you calling me white smh) I accept the offer
the corn eyes give you all their power, however it is too much in the moment and you let out a ear piercing scream. This shocks the boy in the barn who runs out without his clothes on to check out the noise. he finds you passed out in grass, eyes open and a vibrant glowing purple, also your tongue is now white and you can't handle spicy food.
roll to wake up
(Rolls 10) ( I roll 16)
the boy is unable to wake you up, he leaves you there and you want up in 6 hours. What do you do once you wake up?
Cartwheel
the power the corn eyes gives you courses through your veins and even you do a simple cartwheel you can feel the power. The power sends you flying cutting down everything in your path.*BEYBLADE LET IT RIP*
amazing(LMAO)
however the corn warn you that if you use the power with intent you will die, they offer to train you. do you accept the offer to train?
yes
the corn eyes hold out their blood covered hands, taking their hands they lead you to another dimension to train
*story pauses for the night*
Bag Flying
Okay, so my campaign is a kind of magic, advanced Victoria times setting called Evropa. In Evropa, there's all kinds of magical artifacts around, but technology is proving more stable and economically useful. Something they haven't figured out, though, is heavier-than-air flight.
I figured out heavier-than-air flight.
Our DM gave us a really cool dungeon in some caves that are on a floating island, held up by giant Immovable Rods. There were some pits leading to the open air below, including one that we had to cross a wooden bridge over and just kept rolling badly as we tried to cross. The next gap we needed to cross was after passing through a ton of moving gears, with no openings to pass through, and no bridge on the other side.
We solved a puzzle and got some items to pass through the puzzle and gap, including two normal-sized Immovable Rods, a Bag of Holding, and a few hooks and ropes. We were meant to climb into the bag of holding and just hold our breath as someone else climbed through the gears and jammed them with the Rods, but I had randomly, for NO REASON, taken a hose earlier in the session. So, we had tools to cut up the hose, letting us make breathing tubes so we could stay in the bag indefinitely.
We took a short break after, and here the fun begins. We realized that someone could just stick their top half out of the bag and use the Rods as monkey bars, with everyone else inside, breathing through the hoses. Creating the silliest image I have ever imagined in DnD.
Hilariously, one of our party members sees visions of an ancestor of theirs in the future, modern times, when unconscious, so they drew this absurd contraption in the sand to show they had finally figured out heavier than air flight, which the Ancestor, baffled, replied to with "Where are the propellers? I specifically mentioned propellers"
Lord help my D&D crew
So I joined a bit late to my campaign but it made perfect development!
Galen (My D&D OC) is childhood friends with Estel and he is also actively hitting on Sylve! What else do you expect from a Neutral Chaotic Elven Bard?
OH YEAH!
Galen and the Crew (Bro, Estel, Sylve, and Pembis) go to a bar after getting some interesting items from an all violet store. And Galen sees these people giving him a side eye. Me: Permission to growl at them? DM: I’m sorry? Me: Permission to growl at them. DM: Sure why not, do an intimidation roll. Me: I got rolled a 1... DM: You meow at them.
Everyone is cackling. Anyways, fast forwarding after getting information~
Galen sees the HOT bartender, Lars! Lars wants nothing to do with him.
HOWEVER
Because Galen is a bard and Sylve wants this man to fuck off, Sylve sets some mood lighting for Galen to serenade Lars to. BUT my bitchass rolls another 1 in Charsima and Lars turned around...and said GTFO. Galen was dragged out by Sylve begging for a second chance.
There may be a second chance...
And a fanfiction.