Shelley Duvall, 1970s

Saturday, March 22nd 2025 "trauma"

I said this yesterday, but I need a lobotomy. I wish I could start from a clean slate. I reflect a lot and I still don't know why I'm like this. Therapy, antidepressants, etc...what's the point? I wonder what it would be like to just wake up and be a different person, is it possible? It truly feels like I am not meant to be here. Is life a endless cycle of finding coping mechanisms? Living shouldn't have to require an endless lists of coping strategies, all of this work to just manage living. I don't want to die, but being alive is exhausting.

I'm tired of feeling like a victim. I have power and can simply do what I want, but I feel like a retard that doesn't know what to do. Trying to move on from childhood trauma as an adult is embarrassing. I don't wanna feel horrible anymore.

Current list of life goals: Get skinny, be happy with myself, stop feeling depressed.

My grandma yelled at me and called me stupid yesterday. I made a mistake I'm super mad at myself about. Feel like I can't function properly. Maybe I should embrace being a stupid bimbo.

ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀིi really like you. I'm gonna be really sad if you don't come back, unless you tell me ྀིྀིྀིྀིྀི

I want the imaginary man I made up in my head to give me cigarette burns and make fun of me when I cry because it hurts

Thursday, March 19th 2025 "Reminiscing the old coquette community"

How do we feel about this font? I think it's okay, maybe I will use it for future blog posts.

This post might be hard to understand if you're younger or weren't active on tumblr at the time. I started using tumblr in 2019, when I was in 8th grade. Tumblr was the go to place for girls with eds. My best friend at the time also had an ed tumblr. It was pretty common.

Tumblr was how I discovered the coquette/nymphette aesthetic. Nymphette was the more common term at the time. The community seemed different from what it is now. Coquette wasn't just the color pink and bows; it was an aesthetic with many colors and was more vintage Americana-themed. Nowadays, coquette is more dollette. There's nothing wrong with that, but it feels different. Most people in the community bonded over their love for Lana Del Rey, and we romanticized Lolita. Lizzy Grant Summer and Key West Kitten were super popular in 2021; that was a time I remember very vividly. Listening to florida kilos was a daily activity (still is tbh). Wearing heart-shaped sunglasses and wearing gingham print was so fun. Fourth of July 2021, I listened to national anthem in the car on the way to a rural Wisconsin town. What a time to be a teenager.

That time in my life made me the person I am today. There were negative consequences of being in the community, such as being exposed to the older men who wanted to groom you, but all of those experiences made me who I am.

i am the trailer park darling

baby blues.