Claim It, Name It...THEN GO GET IT!

Love Never Returned ::

…they say the love that lasts forever is love that is never returned…

I met a stranger one day, a  Coincidental encounter where our  would eyes to meet…

Evoking a cataclysmic act of God

Where time was stalled, Earth stood still and Simoultaneously,

Our breathing ceased…

BUT Only Momentarily

Somehow becoming hopelessly entangled in the others gaze,

While

Traveling into his mind, exploring my soul and instantaneously

Setting Our hearts ablaze

All the while marveling at this splendid sight standing before me

Conjuring up in our minds what we could be…

No, better yet what we should be….

Only to be sucked back into the ugly grasps of a horrid reality…

I would never know him, nor he would me

But in those few moments, I fell blissfully and hopelessly in love

I was happy with that because this thought occurred  

The only love that lasts forever is the love that is never returned…

Untitled ::

Realities Unseen by Words Unspoken Desires unfulfilled leaving hearts tattered and broken Love never found and unwilling to stop looking Nights of meaningless flings from section "L" of her black book Unwanted advances, Followed by empty deeds. A void that remains Unfilled by her fleshly needs. Phony smiles painted on an empty shell A facades that only hides pain, hidden so well.......

Who am I to be TALENTED?

I vividly recall attending church service Sunday after Sunday, anticipating the latter part of service where my pastor would call for those desiring salvation, prayer, or just a simple, encouraging “word from God.”  And every Sunday I attended church, expecting a “WORD STRAIGHT FROM ZION”.

My spirit yearned for my Apostle (or some other spiritual leader) to relay to me, a message straight from the mouth of God, proclaiming,  “Gawd said that He has mighty works in store for you, He said that if you just submit to Him (something that I was more than willing to do), then He would use you to reach his people.”(In my Southern Baptist Preacher Voice)  I wanted to HEAR God convey to me that I was destined for greatness.   Every Sunday I left disappointed.  It never happened. 

I recall sitting in anticipation as my Apostle would purposefully scan the congregation, in search for what I imagined was a big flashing neon

arrow

pointing down at the people for whom God had a profound word.   I would bow my head and earnestly wait for my Apostle to pull me from my chair to relay to me God’s message. Again, I left disappointed, but only after hearing what God had in store for Susan, Jane, Jim, Tabitha, Randy and Samantha, never receiving specific instruction or direction for myself.  

My small mind could only surmise that because this man never saw anything in me, (or at least ever made any mention of it) and because he was presumably a vessel whom God uses to communicate His thoughts and ideas to His people, that maybe, just maybe, God had not imparted greatness in me. 

I further concluded that the fire that burned so intensely in my heart and spirit would eventually have to become a dwindling flame.  After all, who was I to step before God and feed the flame that burned internally so that it engulfed my entire being? (Who the heck was I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?)  Who was I to live MY dreams? 

 I rationalized by explaining to myself that in order to balance the “circle of life”, some were meant to live mediocre lives; while others---the ones with the flashing neon arrows above their heads-- would live an abundant, fulfilling life.   

Discouragement and defeat eventually consumed my thoughts.  Hopelessness and nothingness annihilated my dreams, and I smothered the fire that at one time fueled my drive to divinely and supernaturally  break the cycle of mediocrity, low self esteem and poverty that plagued my family & SO MANY of our communities.   

However, years later, through a simple Youtube video made by ET The Hip Hop Preacher, I would discover that although I had attempted to extinguish that internal fire... little burning embers were left, scattered about in my heart, my spirit and my soul that would eventually reignite, causing a blazing inferno of hopes, dreams and aspirations to take over my very essence...  Like a raging wildfire, this sea of flame would become seemingly impossible to douse.  

 So, here I am today, chasing after my dreams. The very Bible that I stand upon says that I was made in the image and likeness of God.  To be clear, the Bible describes God as a CONSUMING FIRE, TRIUMPHANT OVER HIS ENEMIES, POWERFUL, UNIQUE and PREEMINENT.  In no way shape, fashion or form do these words indicate MEDIOCRE.  Thus, I was NOT created to be mediocre. 

Through prayer, reading and attentively listening to the Word, I can now hear God for myself and I NOW CHOOSE to ENCOMPASS the image and likeness of God! 

  I CHOOSE TO LIVE MY DREAMS AND CHASE MY DESTINY.

My heart

I must humbly bid you ADIEU ::

Dear Past, 4 the past several years, u have had somewhat of a significant influence on my thoughts && actions. I recklessly allowed u free reign over my decisions, subsequently relinquishing control to u. U kept me in a lonely box, with no one to turn to. Not because people have betrayed or deceived me, but because u have distorted my reality into a false sense of self-hate, self-isolation &&self-condemnation, eventually convincing me I could trust no one &&that the world was against me. Past, I regretfully inform u that I am aware of ur efforts to keep me bound && of ur attempts to prevent me from realizing && reaching my maximum potential. U caused me to close myself to the world &&from people who genuinely care about me, forcing myself into a corner &&repeatedly replacing the shackles on my arms &&feet that I continuously labor to break free from. Mr. Past, u fabricated lies about who I am. U brain washed me into thinking that my identity needed validation by those who matter least. U also attempted to steal my God-given identity to toss it in a bottomless pit.

The times I realized I needed to move beyond u, u attempted to convince me that I was delirious, and that our relationship was everything BUT abnormal and unhealthy.  Like an abusive spouse, u deceived me into thinking that leaving u would leave me hopelessly lost, and I'd be an insignificant soul without u. Ur ulterior motives were to HURT me, DESTROY my dreams, CONSUME my happiness, EXTINGUISH my joy, BREAK my heart and ANNIHILATE the very thing that keeps me sane. I'll admit Mr. Past, we had some good times. I often find myself re-visiting u, indulging in temporary, fleshly, self destructive gratification. BUT TODAY, I serve u notice, that u are no longer welcome.  However, before I say my final goodbye, Mr. Past, I would like to say THANK U! For without u, I would not be who I am today. Mr. Past u have opened my eyes to the good, forced me to live life to the fullest, laugh hard, &&enjoy every second of life I am blessed with. Mr. Past, u will no longer dictate my future becasue even BEFORE U, God knew me and had a plan for my life. "Before I [He] formed you [me] in the womb, I [He] knew you [me], before [I was] you were born I [He] set you [me] apart..." (Jeremiah 1:5 NIV) Moreover, I now am fully aware that I am God's "workmanship, created in Christ Jesus into good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them" (Ephesian 2:10) &&that the weapons of our [my] warfare are [is no longer] not of the flesh, but mighty before God to the casting down of [your] strongholds! (2 Corinthians 10:4) I have the authority to cast uu down, allowing me to live the abundantly happy life through Christ Jesus (John 10:10). I am NOT inferior because I was made in the image and likeness of my Father, God. (Genesis 1:26) So, Mr. Past, this is goodbye. I know u will attempt to show your nasty little head as I walk in my God-given purpose and destiny. Mr. Past, I am moving forward &&leaving you behind. I will re-visit u. However, it will not be to indulge in those self-destructive behaviors like before, but I will re-visit u to assist others free themselves from ur bondage!

This is goodbye and good riddance!

Sincerely,

Neisha

Raging Flames ::

See, my tears are gasoline that my words ignite, Fired off by rage, Haphazardly setting my pillows ablaze…, …W/a contrite heart I abashadly gaze, As my world is engulfed, consumed by those raging flames… flames that leave my burning yearnings unfulfilled, catapulted by jolts of devoured anger - subdued in my own tears - fears and hallucinations - reflections in the mirror; but wait.. it’s just me backwards so I’ll take back words and move forward. My heart melted when I heard those four words… I LOVE YOU, TOO ~Ineffablebeauti 

Confession Booth ... ::

CONFESSION BOOTH: Truth be told, like thumps in the night, im kinda like frightened by you. Cuz im really kinda diggin u... Like my body on lonely nights, im really feelin u But like dumb insecurities, im really kinda intimidated by you... Cuz im really like diggin u... So honestly, I kinda like hold back from you... Giving u only a snippet of my endless possibilities Something like a sneak preview.... im really kinda holdin bk from you Cuz im really kinda diggin u... Confession booth... 

Untitled ::

I haven't written a rhyme since the last time .... ....since the last time I laid bare in the dark && listened to the sound of my own heartbeat Whispering your name rhythmically For some odd and unapparent reason You motivate me ... && I wish that I could shake this feeling of thinking about you incessantly && Wanting you to need me && Needing you to want me But I can't I don't want to, honestly Even if you shared with me that you never have and never would love me I'd accept that happily Because love that is never returned lasts eternally ~ineffablebeauti                                        

Love Does Hurt...

I disagree with that statement "love doesn't hurt". No, love is not physically or verbally abusive, but it DOES hurt.

Those who have the truest and deepest love for me (i.e. mother and father) hurt me the most in that they've told me things that I didn't necessarily want to hear.

They've told me things such as, "Your attitude sucks! Change it", "You really should work on becoming more organized", "Stop chasing after those little boys, they don't care about you." , "Turn that TV off and read a book.", "You need to be praying.", "He/She is not good for you, they're just using you.", etc. Those things hurt... they hurt my feelings and they hurt my pride.

You see, I believe that those who truly care tell us things that hurt our feelings...that we really don't want to hear.  They do so because they have our very best interest at heart, believe it or not.  They hurt us--because they know what it is we need in order to become the GREAT and PHENOMENAL versions of ourselves --- the version of ourselves that were were CREATED to be!!!

Flat Line ::

...hates that my heart beats a perfect rhythm, a very familiar melody, resembling the sound of the two syllables that make up your name... Sometimes it seems as though my heart is calling out to you... ♥ lub dub; lub dub; lub dub.......

  beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep