A Series Of Analogies And Bitterness
A Series Of Analogies And Bitterness
I am a writer. This is more an affirmation than a statement of fact. I’m not sure if you’ve ever done that thing where you make a list of affirmations before. I have. Did it last week. I’m seeing a counselor for my depression and anxiety. The idea was to create a list of true statements about myself, good things. The fun part is that you don’t always believe them.
The statement “I am a writer” is an affirmation because while it is objectively true, I struggle to believe it. Of course I’m a writer. I love writing stories and journals. I’m a creative writing major. Writing is my everything. It’s cheesy, but it’s true. I write to cope, celebrate, vent, relax, everything. You may be wondering now “if she’s obviously a writer, why can’t she believe it?” Well, nameless reader, I can’t believe it because, for the past two weeks, I have written a grand total of 20 pages.
Writing is my everything, and yet I find myself scooped out like a goddamn pumpkin. Actually, no, because a pumpkin has a chance to become a grinning jack o'lantern. I’m scooped out like a grave. There is nothing beautiful left in me. Just something putrid and rotting. I am full of dead ideas and wriggling maggots that are gnawing at my finger bones as I try in vain to squeeze life out of a bloated corpse called creativity.
This is all I can do now. I can type. I type out words that are close to truth and I settle. I settle because I’ve lost everything. Sure, I’ve got family and most of my health and I’ve got food and I’ve got an education. But what’s the point? I live to write and vice versa. What’s the point if I can’t do the one thing I’m certain of?
I am haunted by blank word documents. They’re always on my screen. I type out a line and delete it because it goes nowhere. Lines are supposed to be infinite. It’s a fact of math class that actually stuck with me. Just because we only see part of the line, doesn’t stop it being infinite. My lines aren’t infinite. They lay on the page, just a collection of letters that happen to form some statement or action that would be better articulated by a child’s rag doll.
I’ve officially hit 21 pages in two weeks. Brilliant.
Hell is real, and it is a room full of blank pages and flashing cursors.
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Can we just stop and think about how perfect it is that T.rex got the name it did?
Like, paleontology was still a new field when it was discovered. There were probably like ten dinosaurs listed at the time, and they already gave T.rex the greatest dinosaur name ever. There were thousands of species waiting to be discovered that could’ve proved a better fit for the name.
Imagine if Herrerasaurus had been discovered first and they had decided to call it Tyrannosaurus rex because it was a big predator by their standards? It would’ve become a joke about how the great “tyrant lizard king” was actually a little runt compared to later theropod findings.
Or imagine if they gave T.rex a less impressive name, like some other dinosaurs. It could’ve been called Wyomingsaurus or kept the name Manospondylus gigas. What sort of name is “giant porous vertebrae”?
But thankfully it didn’t happen. The president of the American Natural History museum looked at this fossil that was just one of the first of an entire world of dinosaurs waiting to be discovered, and thought “You are the baddest dinosaur we’re ever going to find, so you’re getting the baddest name we can give.”
And it worked. It’s been like 119 years since T.rex was discovered and it’s still the most badass theropod we’ve ever found, with the strongest bite force of any land animal and so successful that wherever it appeared in the fossil record other predators disappeared. It was so badass that as juveniles they outcompeted small-to-medium adult predators.
The baddest dinosaur ever could’ve gotten a weaksauce name, or the baddest name ever could’ve gone to an undeserving dinosaur. But it didn’t, and now the greatest land predator to ever walk the earth has the equally greatest name Tyrannosaurus rex, the motherfucking Tyrant Lizard King.
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“You are a violent and irrepressible miracle. The vacuum of cosmos and the stars burning in it are afraid of you. Given enough time you would wipe us all out and replace us with nothing -- just by accident.”
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